new things & the smell of home.

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I went home this weekend. I needed to touch home base. Sometimes you need to step into a place that shaped you “just so,” so that you can remember how you want to be in the world again. I badly wanted to sit at the table, spill stories and be with my parents. I cherish coming home from my big girl living… the sitting back down like we always have, to share and listen.

Mom called me as I was packing to say that she couldn’t wait for me to get there, and she’d prepared some of my most favorite foods… she wanted to bless me. Dad called out in the background to ask if I was bringing the Pup, that he couldn’t wait to see her. He loves her because I love her {and she’s awesome, but mostly because she matters to me}… So, the pup and I drove home in the rain after a good work week. Just, when I had gotten my bag out of the car, I noticed that mom was opening the door. Sally and I rolled in with our thingsand stopped in the main part of the house and just took it all in. Sal greeted Sadie {our family springer}, and we all exchanged hugs.

The house smelt like rich sauce, wine, and the wood stove. I sat in the kitchen, my momma’s place, where she prepares for all of us. She mixes and makes and clears and anticipates our lives in this room; I love her there. Dad kept the fire going and piddled on his computer while mom and I dished over a {real} man in my life and the smile and new glasses I’m wearing these days. She listened and poured wine and read me while I talked. She encouraged me and laughed at me and told me to be safe and that I should be getting more sleep. I should be. She told me about work and my brother and talked about the selling and buying of a car.

We three sat down to dinner with full plates and glasses… and hearts. Dad asked me daring, ridiculous questions…. like he always does. He asks these audacious questions less for the answer, and more for the response. He wants to read my face and see if I’m audacious enough to have already considered the question {I usually have, if only because I know he’ll ask}… We are alike in this way and I love this about him…. And we the could hardly be more full.

After dinner, I let the Pup outside and not ten trots off the porch, she bolted… off to remember what it feels like to be unrestricted by fences andher leash and my voice. I yelled out that she consider that it was raining and that she really doesn’t like being out in it, but I knew that she couldn’t help herself. She was gone for about 45 min and she came back winded and wet and muddy. After I dried her off and thanked her for coming back in once piece, she curled herself in front of the wood stove and listened to mom and flip through magazines she’s been saving to show me {Flea Market Mag… get it, they were awesome. I was made to scavenge a flea market, I’m sure of it.}

After scavenging the pages of repurposed things, I talked to the {afore mentioned} man for a while about our day and some curiosities we had. We allowed the space and time to talk through some ways we can trust God with the defining of who we are and things that can be hard to hand over to Him. It was heavy and good and full. We also laughed… a lot.

And when I was finally ready for sleep that night I thought of how my good week was being closed up… at home, were I can safely be unleashed to be exactly me… with my family and some of my favorite comforts… wrestling through meaningful parts of life and laughing with real people who are dear. And I slept like a baby, safe and full.

Gentle me, Holy One, into and unclenched moment, a deep breath, a letting go of heavy expectancies, of shriveling anxieties, of dead certainties, that, softened by the silence, surrounded by the light, and open to the mystery, I may be found by wholeness, upheld by the unfathomable, entranced by the simple, and filled with the joy that is You. -Loder

My, how full I feel these days.

 

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